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Parenting your teenager: 6 tips for helpful chastisement and penalty - parenting

 

A blood relation writes in, ``We are having a hard time in our category deciding on fitting punishments when our teen-ager breaks ancestors rules. We can't tell if we are too authoritarian or too lenient. What can we do?''

This seems to be a place where many parents get stuck. Questions about apt punishment and cost are very important.

Now notice, if you will, that I just said punishment and consequences, not just punishment. This is since I accept as true there is an central characteristic to be made.

The alteration has to do with what our goal is in responding to improper and inappropriate behavior.

If it's to vent our anger, be in command of the teen-ager and provoke resentment, then punishment is the way to go.

If, on the other hand, our goal is to send a clear message, deal with and guide the teen-ager, and bestow coaching about life, then cost are the way to go.

The determination of establishing penalty for conduct is to teach about the real world.

There are all in all two kinds of cost - biological and logical.

Natural penalty occur naturally, as a conclusion of conduct and choices. In the adult world, if we run red lights, we can get hit and hurt; if we don't show up for work lacking a reason, we can get fired.

In the world of kids, there are times when allowing actual penalty to occur is much too dangerous. A mother ought to never allow the artless cost of in succession into a busy street, for example, to occur.

When biological penalty are too dangerous, it's time to conceive commonsense consequences. In general, these be relevant to some loss of privileges as a answer of irresponsible behavior.

There are two broad-spectrum models that I use when structuring apposite consistent consequences.

The first was considered by Stephen Glenn, the cause of "How to Raise Self-Reliant Offspring in a Self-Indulgent World. " It involves the three R's of consistent consequences: related, considerate and reasonable.

Related. Correlated basically means correlated to the behavior. If a child violates curfew, creation him stay late at drill or mow the lawn is not related. The acting loss of the privilege of going out is related.

Respectful. We need to avoid two belongings here: The first is mortifying the teen-ager; the be with is inconveniencing the adult.

Reasonable. ``You are ashore for life and will never see the light of day again'' is unreasonable. ``Your conduct and choices have caused you to lose the privilege of going out tomorrow night'' is reasonable.

I have found Glenn's model very constructive in my work with families. To these three R's, I've added three S's: strong, swift and short-term.

Strong. ``Honey, I certainly wish you wouldn't come in so many hours after your curfew'' is not strong. Behind the privilege of going out on the very next opening is strong.

Swift. Adults and teen-agers be at variance in their perception of time. As adults, if we are told a assignment is due in two months, we know we need to get emotive yesterday. For many teens, two months equals eternity, which equals no motivation.

For cost to be effective, they need to be carefully associated in time to the misbehavior.

For teen-agers, not being able to go on a trip six months from now for flunking a test is ineffective. Having to spend extra time for the duration of the next three days studying and as a result bringing up the rear the privilege of morning free time is swift and effective.

Short-term. When I was 13 years old, my parents ashore me for life. (If you want to find out why, come to one of my seminars!) For coherent penalty to be effective, they need to be fairly short-term. Again, this goes back to the issue of time.

For most teen-agers, everything lasting longer than a few days or weeks (as long as the effect is beefy and swift) becomes ineffective. Something longer breeds resentment, contempt and revenge, and negates any coaching about life that might have been taught.

The end of parenting teens is to cook them for life on their own. Using the R's and S's of cost can allow the parents to be in accusation while credo the schooling of life.

For more tips and strategies for administration the teen years, visit parenting coach Jeff Herring's ParentingYourTeenager. com and check out his Back to Instruct Sensation Tips.


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